If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
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At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
happy friday
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
being a writer on Twitter:
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.