[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
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Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Me as a therapist: omg same
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out