Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
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HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave