Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
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I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
This why you should mind your business
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.