eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
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*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
“What movie?” 🤔
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
A small tragedy.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.