Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
You Might Also Like
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Gross if literal…Liverpool
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
✌️
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.