It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
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Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos