I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
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Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Investing in beetcoin
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.