Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
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Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?