Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
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If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Natural selection at its finest
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?