I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
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“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Would you wear it?
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
When you’re Kinky but poor
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”