[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
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Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
This will teach them to underestimate me
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
This made me smile…
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.