Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
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I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?