Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
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Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?