DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
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My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
True.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”