You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
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I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Well. That’s not a good sign.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
#Caturday
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
I know karate and tons of other words.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
let’s discuss
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok