Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
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*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.