We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
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[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
New Tinder profile.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain