My doctor says I only have one diabete.
You Might Also Like
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Anime is real
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.