I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
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I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Welcome
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
It do be feeling this way.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”