The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
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longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”