when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
You Might Also Like
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
My dog learned how to text
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day