me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
You Might Also Like
Cheers Twitter.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.