Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
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Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Can Happiness buy money?