ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
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I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Banana is the quietest snack
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.