it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
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Your honor these allegations are
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
the #horror is real!
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Succinctly put.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.