I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
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I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
People buying plungers never look happy.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire