HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
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If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.