You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
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[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
We’ve come full circle
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk