A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
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My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
twitter is a journey
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”