Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
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I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time