*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
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Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT