Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
You Might Also Like
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
wtf is a larm clock?
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
cyclists
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.