Ron is short for Aaronald
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My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
my one true gender
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Chicago sounds lovely.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.