10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
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Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.