It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
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I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
“and how does that make you feel?”
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean