2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
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Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.