It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
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[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful