I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
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The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
January has been Januweary
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad