“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
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If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes