My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
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“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time