It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
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I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.