Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
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I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
When your man makes a valid point
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers