I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
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In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.