The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
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When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
what are they serving at kfc then???
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Sunday
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less