Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
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These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.