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Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.