I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
You Might Also Like
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve