Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
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May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions