Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
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Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.